Giving Others (and Yourself) the Gift of Time
It’s heartbreaking once again to see human beings in such distress – homeless, hurt, afraid, searching for loved ones, in need of the basics of life. This time it’s Japan. Last year, it was Haiti. These are but two of the kinds of tragedies and needs that call out to us abroad and at home.
Our hearts go out to all these people, and we want to help. Often, we tweet $10 to the Red Cross or write a check to our favorite charity. This is valuable help. It is a community of caring coming together.
So many of us want to help in person. We want to reach out and touch the women, men, and children who are suffering. Those opportunities are not always available immediately – but there are longer-term ways to help. Volunteers still travel to the New Orleans area to replace houses demolished by Katrina.
Numbers of volunteers soar at times of tragedy, but the volunteer tradition is proud and strong among Americans on a daily basis.
Often, people take a break from work to volunteer for an extended time. It’s a type of sabbatical, or what some call a Reboot Break. People make plans and arrangements to leave their jobs to volunteer for a period of weeks or months. They may take the sabbatical from a job and return to it. Or they may do it in between jobs. Many people take a volunteering break before retirement to explore their retirement options.
Margaret and Mark have loved volunteering throughout their married life. In the 80’s, they traveled in Sudan and fell in love with the people. When the devastating famine struck there later, they raised money in their hometown of Ketchum, Idaho, and went to Sudan to help. They founded a feeding and medical clinic and added a special program for street kids. They also have volunteered extensively in their home community. The last several winters, the two have gone to Mexico to explore where they would like to retire. They’ve found the perfect town, drawn there in large part by several compelling volunteer opportunities from which to choose as the center of their new life.
It’s common to combine volunteering with other ways to spend a sabbatical. It can be satisfying to fill the days with different types of activities. Someone may spend time with an ill friend or family member while also volunteering at the local animal shelter or reading to kids plus time for exercise and having fun with friends.
Betsy is a North Carolina hand doctor who took a sabbatical to volunteer in South Africa. The other doctors in her small practice group were skeptical, but she arranged for a doctor new to town to take her patients for several months. Her time in South Africa was everything she hoped for personally, and she knew she was making a real contribution there through her skills. Before and after her travel to Africa, she used the time to reacquaint with family and friends and start jogging again. Today, she has a thriving medical practice and a better life balance, which includes volunteering in her own community.
Rita says that volunteer work has always been one of her passions. It took a Reboot Break to satisfy her desire to become more deeply involved.
Though I contributed financially to several non-profit organizations and was on the board of one, I started to crave spending more time on work that seemed so important to me. When my company announced that it was moving its headquarters to another part of the country, it was the perfect time to take a sabbatical. I immersed myself in microfinance, a field where the results are immediate, tangible, and scalable. I was soon asked to become chair of Pro Mujer, a non-profit organization that gives $170 loans and business training to women in Latin America whose families earn under $2 a day. They also receive health services for the whole family. It changes their lives.
I was able to bring my business knowledge and experience to bear on several strategic areas for the organization. Since I wasn’t working at an 8-6 (or 24/7) job, I had time to travel to meet the women in the programs in Bolivia, Nicaragua, Peru, and Mexico, and to help start a program in Argentina. My life is so enriched by all the amazing South American women I met on that sabbatical. They and their children inspire me every day.
Reaching out to others isn’t confined to Baby Boomers like Rita, Mark, and Margaret. How many young people do you know who volunteered for a summer overseas or for a few months before, during, or after high school or college? I know several who spent time in Africa as volunteers and are now working there.
Many corporations encourage volunteering as part of their Social Responsibility initiative. Some give paid corporate sabbaticals to employees who want to give back. Even if there is no formal program, people yearning to volunteer overseas may find their company receptive to paying them for such a sabbatical.
Do you have to be a doctor or teacher or have other specialized training? No, any kind of giving of oneself is a way to help. We cannot all go to humanitarian crisis zones overseas, though many of us will. As part of the “new volunteerism” industry, we can find organized overseas volunteer programs in countries that are not necessarily in crisis zones. People of all ages go online, find an opportunity almost anywhere in the world, and sign up. The participants are individuals on sabbatical, groups of friends, and families on vacation.
Closer to home, we can work on humanitarian crises or everyday problems by collecting clothes, filling food banks, driving, helping organize efforts, assisting in communication through language or technology, loading and unloading trucks, helping to rescue animals separated from their owners.
Our workdays are full from morning to bedtime. We are “on” and accountable to our computers or smart phones, our horizons narrowing to the screen and our immediate concerns. Taking time to volunteer and give back is multi-dimensional. It is a chance to step back and also to expand. It’s a gift of time for oneself and for others. No one wishes tragedy for any people or country, but perhaps it gives us all opportunities as part of the human community.
About the author:
Nancy Bearg is a co-author of Reboot Your Life: Energize Your Career and Life by Taking a Break. She has worked on humanitarian crises in her national security public policy professional career, has taken several sabbaticals and is an avid volunteer.
Website: www.rebootbreak.com
Posted in Blogs by Guests on April 10th, 2011 by admin | | 0 Comments
Make Every Day Mother’s Day: Seven Simple Ways to Really Connect with Your Kids (and give yourself the greatest Mother’s Day gift of all)
Flowers and cards are great—but what if you could have a great relationship with your kids every single day? Author and parenting expert Kimberley Clayton Blaine offers seven simple steps for having an awesome connection with your kids right now.
San Francisco, CA (April 2011)—It’s right around the corner: that special day once a year when we celebrate moms. And if you’re scrambling for some last-minute gift ideas, or just holding out hope that your husband actually remembers this year, consider this: Perhaps the best gift you’ll receive this year isn’t going to come in a package, and it may just come from the person you least expect—yourself.
“Flowers, cards, and breakfast in bed are great, but at the end of the day, what mothers really want is to feel a real, deep, and lasting emotional bond with their kids,” says Blaine, licensed family and child therapist, mother of two boys, and author of The Go-To Mom’s Parents’ Guide to Emotion Coaching Young Children (Jossey-Bass/A Wiley Imprint, 2010, ISBN: 978-0-470-58497-2, $16.95, www.TheGoToMom.com). “They want the great relationship every single (ordinary) day, not the big show of affection that comes around only once a year.”
Blaine goes on to say that while the concept of having a deep, emotional connection may seem like a daunting task, it’s not only possible for moms to make that crucial connection with their kids, it’s actually not as complicated as you may think. “There are simple changes that any parent can make that will work wonders for creating the bond with her child that she desires. And once those small changes become habits, they will come naturally to her, all the time.”
Blaine says that there are seven simple ways that you can work toward building a deep, emotional bond with your kids, so that every day can feel like Mother’s Day. From playtime to down time, read on for how YOU can get connected right now:
Make time for playtime. Blaine says that one of the best ways that parents can connect with their children is through play. Not only does play release energy and provide opportunities to be involved in a child’s world, it is also how children process their inner feelings and work out their little-kid real-life issues. Parents who take the time to play with their children strengthen their understanding of their children’s emotional world. And while you may feel like you are being present for playtime while your toddler plays at your feet (and you do the dishes), Blaine says that in order to make a real and lasting connection, you have to (literally) get down on his level.
“True emotional connections are made when parents get down on the floor and play with their kids,” she explains. “Drink imaginary tea, build the Lego castle, and piece together those puzzles. Your bond with your child will be all the better for it.”
Plug in…emotionally. Children can experience a wide range of emotions each day (or even each hour, for that matter!), from happy to sad, frustrated to triumphant—what may seem to us a trivial moment can be a big deal for them. Blaine says that parents have to make the effort to “plug in” to what their children are feeling, and that understanding what they are feeling and why can create a bond between you that is unparalleled.
“Plugging in to the emotions that your child is experiencing and being present with her through each new feeling can help the two of you to deepen your emotional bond with one another,” explains Blaine. “It takes patience, time, and, at times, a lot of effort, but the bond you build is totally worth it.”
Build in a few extra minutes to your day. Whether you are rushing out the door for school in the morning, loading up for big brother’s baseball practice, or just heading out to run errands with kids in tow, building in a few minutes can make transitions much less painful for both you and your children and can provide crucial opportunities for bonding.
“If you can make it into the car without a screaming fight, then you have a great opportunity to spend those extra 10 or 15 minutes really talking with your kids,” Blaine explains. “Dissect their days, talk through any emotions or feelings they may be experiencing—like the way they felt when they accomplished something super fun at preschool, or if they are sad because their goldfish died. Or use the time as an opportunity to turn up some tunes and sing out loud together—letting go and being silly with your kids is a great way to bond emotionally.”
Fess up when you slip up. Nobody’s perfect—and as parents it’s a given that we will make mistakes as we learn and grow alongside of our kids. But Blaine says it’s important to remember that in addition to teaching our children, we are also serving as their constant role models. By labeling and talking about emotions, she says, your child learns that emotions are manageable, and he will feel comfortable expressing them in an appropriate manner. And that includes admitting when you’re wrong and saying that you’re sorry.
“When ‘fessing up,’ be specific, identify the behaviors for which you are apologizing, and share the feelings you were experiencing at the time and how you felt afterwards,” instructs Blaine. “Your mistakes and shortcomings can serve as a wonderful opportunity for you to be a good role model. Fessing up means that you genuinely apologize to your child for making a mistake—the goal is to catch yourself and repair the connection with your child. And in the end, you’ll teach him the valuable lesson that it’s all right not to be perfect.”
Let your kids be themselves. Loving your children’s individuality isn’t hard—you appreciate and adore the quirks and habits that make them who they are. But have you ever stopped to consider how their individual temperaments affect the way you connect with one another? When it comes to kids, parenting and discipline are not a one-size-fits-all bargain. You have to respect your children for who they are—and that includes honoring the ways they are different from one another and different from you. If you are a social butterfly with a son who is painfully shy, you have to respect that in him and not try to force your own behaviors and habits on him.
“As hard as it can sometimes be to let go, giving your children the freedom to be themselves can help them to grow and develop as people,” says Blaine, “and it will also strengthen the connection and bond between you. When we honor our children, they in turn honor us. Children who are respected and emotion coached can be incredibly resourceful.”
Replace your anger with empathy. Make no mistake, kids can test the tempers of even the most mild-mannered mothers. When tantrums take over and tempers flare, it can be a constant challenge to keep your cool. But Blaine says to pick your battles and know that nothing is so important that it warrants extreme anger and coerciveness with your child. If you need to, walk away and take a deep breath, then return to your child to start over. And if you do lash out, don’t avoid the issue or act as if it never happened—this only teaches children to deny their own poor behavior.
“Being honest with your child is more effective than hauling off on her,” she continues. “Children who are raised in homes where empathy is the norm are usually empathetic to their parents, and this creates a happier environment for everyone.”
Take time for yourself on a regular basis. On special holidays like Mother’s Day, moms will often be treated to breakfast in bed, a day at the spa, or maybe even a little “free” time to do something for themselves. However, most mothers get caught up in the hectic schedule of everyday life and neglect to take time out for themselves on a regular basis, which Blaine says can be a big parenting no-no. It doesn’t always have to be a big event—tacking on 30 extra minutes to an errand to grab a latte or flip through magazines at the bookstore can work wonders for restoring your sanity and recharging your batteries.
“Stressed out parents are not fully present with their children,” warns Blaine. “Simplify your life by doing less or cutting out what’s not necessary. NEVER underestimate the power of decompression time for Mommy. If we don’t take time for ourselves, we will eventually lash out at our loved ones, and that will prevent you from having the connection and bond with your children that you long for.”
“As a mom, the emotional connection I share with my kids is irreplaceable,” says Blaine. “And no amount of flowers or gifts on Mother’s Day would ever compare. Instead of putting all your energy into one day, make small, gradual changes over time. It’s the very best gift you can give to yourself and your children—and it will make every day feel like the celebration of motherhood you deserve.”
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About the Author:
Kimberley Clayton Blaine, MA, MFT, is the executive producer of the online parenting show www.TheGoToMom.TV and author of The Go-To Mom’s Parents’ Guide to Emotion Coaching Young Children and The Internet Mommy.
Kimberley is a national child development expert and a licensed family and child therapist specializing in working with children newborn to six years old. Kimberley is currently the social marketing director for a Los Angeles-based early childhood mental health campaign (Project ABC) funded by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. She has launched a national campaign to help American parents be all that they can be in order to give their children a healthy and fair start. You might have seen Kimberley review products, discuss the perils of parenting, blog, vlog, and take on mommypreneurship across the Internet.
Her webshow, TheGoToMom.TV, has captured one of the largest growing niche audiences—parents who have children birth to seven—through professionally produced yet authentic and real educational videos. Currently, Kimberley is sponsored by Vimeo and Sony and is a member of the Yahoo! Motherboard team of bloggers. Kimberley lives in Los Angeles, California, with her husband and two young boys.
Posted in Blogs by Guests on April 1st, 2011 by admin | | 0 Comments
