smart love

[yayamommy]

Smart love is a new way to parent and is known as a compassionate alternative to discipline.  There is a book by Martha and William Pieper that I am happy to share if anyone is interested. 
Now, the problem is, the book is different in it's views on 'when' to teach children lessons like sharing, cooperative playing, table manners and so on.  Basically, it's not quite as soon as a lot of moms are trying to do. 
Anyway, I am really struggling to find anyone who has even heard of this, much less practice it with their own children.  Anyone know what I am talking about? 

[berriesweetest]

No idea. but I'd love to hear about it. Might make for a good article.
 

[Aimee]

when does it say to start teaching sharing, and manners and all that?
My 17 month old-we haven't really taught her these things, she has just picked them up from the older kids or DH and I.

[Jo Ann]

is this different from the concept of 'tough love'? how different are its views?

[yayamommy]

WOW~questions, I'm so excited.  I forgot to mark this thread--so I haven't had a chance until now to respond.  The moms I've meant face to face want nothing to do with smartlove. 
The basic concept is to teach children through loving regulation and modeling vs strict rules and consequences.
Simply put it is the exact opposite of tough love.  Smart love means that you show and tell your child --no matter what they do--that they are absolutely OK and that you love them no matter what.  The point is to develop a strong primary happiness in your child so that they will have confidence and self-esteem and thus become successful, happy adults. 

Sounds nice, but is very hard.  For example, in smart love a toddler or even preschooler is naturally going to 'want what they want--when they want it' for the simple reason that they lack the maturity to understand they can't have it all.  We, as parents, are supposed to respect that and just let them be when they take it-even from another child.  If a child is left --it's the child we are to put our focus on, not the one who took the toy.  Eventually, the child who is smart loved will achieve the maturity level and secondary happiness will depend on who they play rather than what they play with. 

There is a lot more to it and I am probably not doing it justice right now.  I have some resources though and some experience (3 years of my own) so if you have a specific concern I can do my best to explain the smart love view to a problem. 
THank you so much for responding and asking questions!  My problem is I need parents to talk to about this stuff.  It's so hard to do alone. 

Susie
Oh, and I've blogged about it a little bit if you want to check it out at www.thewidloefamily.com and scroll down to find posts by topic:smartlove.

[Happy Momma]

Smart love means that you show and tell your child --no matter what they do--that they are absolutely OK and that you love them no matter what.  The point is to develop a strong primary happiness in your child so that they will have confidence and self-esteem and thus become successful, happy adults. 

Sounds nice, but is very hard.  For example, in smart love a toddler or even preschooler is naturally going to 'want what they want--when they want it' for the simple reason that they lack the maturity to understand they can't have it all.  We, as parents, are supposed to respect that and just let them be when they take it-even from another child.  If a child is left --it's the child we are to put our focus on, not the one who took the toy.  Eventually, the child who is smart loved will achieve the maturity level and secondary happiness will depend on who they play rather than what they play with. 

I can understand the part about making sure your child knows he/she is loved no matter what.  That makes perfect sense to me.

But, I don't get the part about letting a child take whatever they want, even if it is from another child.  I'm sure there is more to it than you can really explain on a message board.  But, that isn't how real life works- I don't get to go and take something that belongs to my neighbor just because I want it. 

Or- are you saying that eventually the child reaches that maturity level where he/she understands the other persons feelings and therefore wouldn't take something away because it would the other person sad?

[Candid Carrie]

I don't know ... sounds like reverse psychology to me.  Granted I am older but to me I don't get the logic behind it.  And the lesson could be taught at someone else's expense. 

But, that is the beauty of the board, right?  Different people, different views, different sytles.

[yayamommy]

No no it's not at someone else's expense believe me!  It's just simply not reacting either way when you child takes something from another child.  If she does and the other child cries, give your attention to the one by trying to distract with another toy--if that doesn't work (and sometimes won't) then try to compromise by having the taker and the victim share the toy--if that doesn't work then gently ----without anger or judgement---take the child back from the taker and move on to something else.

it's very complicated, but so worth it when you show even a little two year old that they deserve love and compassion with kindness and respect--rather than harsh rules and consequences that they are too young to understand anyway. 
The play group parents I used to be with thought it was way too weird and too much work and they simply didn't want to try it.  I understand though--this is not for everyone--just like any parenting philosophy out there.  We all have to figure out what works for us. 

eventually YES, a smart loved child will learn that it's no fun to take something from a friend--the act of playing with a friend or friendship in general becomes more fun that having the toy that want. 
It totally work BTW because my 3 year old shares ALL of her toys with anyone who shows up because she would much rather play with them than play with her toys by herself.  It's simply a maturity thing. 

sorry if I sound preachy--and I KNOW I am totally in the minority on this parenting philosophy--I just really feel passionate about it.  My relationship with my daughter is simply unbelievable! 

Now that we have the show replies to your posts button up top I shouldn't be so long in my responses.  Thanks for all of the questions! I'm happy to answer as many as you might have!!!!  Seriously, my daughter and I share everything--even WHY she messes up in the first place.  It's a cool relationship.

[Kaknu]

I've never heard of it being called "smart love" before, but it makes sense to me.  To focus on the child that took the toy gives them attention for something that isn't very social even if it's negative attention.

[yayamommy]

I'd link you to the book, but I don't think that's allowed here.  I do have a link for it on my blog though if you want to get it out!