Holiday Stress (excerpted from H20 to Go!-Growing An Emotionally Resilient Child)
Holiday Family Stress and the Other Side of Midnight
Holiday brings on a lot of stress-for some of us, big time! A mother shared with me how much she dreads this time of year because her in-laws are so difficult, and she is not that close to her own siblings. The whole visiting affair is a huge strain on her, her husband and her children who get caught up in the tension.
What I offered was this:
When in conflict about anything involving family, if you think first about what is most positive for your children, you will know how to act and react.
What is most positive for my children would not to go visit at all!
Is that because of how you feel about your relatives, or how they feel?
A little of both.
Well, let's talk some ways to work through it. If you must be with difficult in-laws think in advance, how to make it positive for your children. Humor can play a powerful role here (see my book chapter on Humor: Bridge Over Troubled Waters at
www.MomOpinionMatters.Com)
Do not be afraid to laugh a lot with your kids and let them see you happy. Explain that other family members may behave strangely, (and site some examples) but that your family is separate and different and you have each other to come home to (thank goodness!) and aren't you lucky. And most important, you can say that when other people are cranky and difficult, it usually means they are not happy people and isn't that sad-not to be able to feel happy? You want to inject an essence of empathy while still acknowledging that the behavior is less than okay.
Promise that on the way back home, everyone can weigh in on what was the most difficult or strange, allow them to expand and be honest and to laugh. In other words, let them be observers as opposed to victims. Buy them cool little notebooks in which to take notes or draw pictures about what they are feeling along the way- Day 1, Day 2, Day 3...
If family members are negative, and have the capacity to say hurtful things, and if those hurtful things are directed towards you, concentrate on what is good in your life--your own family and refocus your attention on your children. We have a tendency to revert back to being a child when we are with parents and siblings, and all the old buttons get pressed all too easily. But, we are no longer a child. We must remind ourselves of that even with our own parents, we are now a parent and an equal. This is very important for once we redirect our emotional energies, we can react differently.
This is vitally important for if, on the other hand, those hurtful words or actions are directed towards our children, than think in advance how to protect them. You have a choice. If they are old enough, let them play reporter with their notebooks. But, if they are in too vulnerable an emotional stage than you will have to face a moment of truth and not be afraid to say no to an invite, a visit, or a stay unless the behavior from all involved can be positive. As long as you are saying no for the emotional and/or physical well-being of your children you will be doing so for the right reasons. Your spouse and/or partner comes in second in this scenario.
We cannot juggle everyone evenly on holidays. And because it might be one of the few times everyone gets together, we might think we ought to make it work, somehow. May it will, maybe it won't. But no matter, our number one priority is the well-being of our young children-their sense of enjoyment at this time of year. Remember, that if we want to break destructive and negative cycles, create positive traditions, and collect good memories for our children to have. (see Introduction: Discarding The Negative/Collecting the Positive from book 0n-line H20 to Go! at
www.MomOpinionMatters.Com).
When children are young, we should make any time with negative people as short as possible. We should always finds ways to laugh about difficult situations. We should protect our children's holiday spirit and wonder and we should not let anyone, no matter who, take that away.
Our young children need and deserve holiday--joy,
, surprise, laughter, warmth and love. It is up to us to make sure they can celebrate.
So, take a deep breath, look whatever stress you might be feeling right in the eye, and in your most protective Mama Bear voice say-
Thou shalt NOT ruin my child's holiday.
PS. When your children are happy, we are happy, so this is a twofer!
Much love to all the children out there,
And God Bless them twice!
Margo
If you have a question,
email me at
margo@MomOpinionMatters.Com
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