What Would You Do?

[Happy Momma]

I have a 16 year old step daughter who is really out of control (she lives with her mother).  She's failing her classes at school, smoking, drinking, sneaking out, etc.  I think the reason for most of this is that her mother has always given her way too much freedom.  But that is a whole different thread. 

The question I have is- my SD's mom says she isn't going to give her much for Christmas this year b/c of her behavior.  Would you do the same thing?  Give your child less than usual because of her bad choices or would you give her the same amount that she usually gets?

[Danielle]

Oh girl, what a dilemma you are in!! I can say that yes, I would punish her for her bad behavior, grounded her from friends, things that she would enjoy, etc. As far as Christmas, it is a time for us to remember the joy of giving, whether it be with gifts or letting family members know how much we love them, and to show how Christ's love for us is the most wonderful gift we could recieve, It is a time to forgive and a time for families to reunite after years of not being together, and letting the past be the past. I think you should sit down and talk with her letting you know that even though she has made some bad choices, that you still love her, and the most wonderful gift that you can give her is love and forgiveness... I hope this helps..gifts are only temporalry, and can make you happy for just awhile, but love is a everlasting gift that keeps on giving...the best gift of ALL!!

[Audrey]

Gifts are given for many reasons. To make gifts conditional on behavior just doesn't sit right with me.

If the girl is drinking etc I would NOT give her cash nor would I give her anything she can sell for money.

I would absolutely give her gifts if that is your family tradition.

Is she in counseling?

[Happy Momma]

Thanks ladies for your advice!

Unfortunately she is not in counseling.

I really agree with what you said Audrey- making gifts conditional on behavior doesn't sit right with me either.

Really, I think it could have the opposite effect of what her mother is hoping for anyways.  She isn't going to stop her bad behaviors b/c she wants more gifts and it will probably further damage their relationship.

[Grandma Shelley]

I would suggest a gift that would give her another place and way to spend her time. Something that would be good for her self esteem. Dance lessons, karate, gym membership, modeling classes, photography class, art class.

If the divorce was never addressed through counseling that would be a good place for dad to help out.
She is acting out, probably hurting inside and turning to the wrong things to feel better. She is a symptom in the family that somethings not right. More probably needs to be fixed than just her and the poor choices she is making right now.

Telling her she is a bad kid by not getting her gifts as usual isn't what she needs. It would be very helpful if all of the adults in her life looked for the good things she does. Praise and reinforce every good choice she makes. It will make her feel good and want to do more.

[Audrey]

Those are excellent gift ideas!!

[Danielle]

That is a great idea!!

[Grandma Shelley]

Thanks. Can you tell I've been around the block quite a few times having raised four teenagers!

[Happy Momma]

I can tell that you are a very wise woman Granda Shelley!!

Thank you for your advice.

[Danielle]

  even though I have small children, I am soo looking forward to being a grandma, I think there is so much wisdom in them, they have been there and done that, and we can learn a great deal from them!!

[Candid Carrie]

I agree that gifts shouldn't be conditional but perhaps gifts from you this year could have less emphasis on the monetary and perhaps a little bit more sentimental.

Just a thought, but perhaps scanning favorite photogaphs of good times your family has had with her and make a photojournal. 

If you don't have many pictures you could start a journal for her. 

JUST A THOUGHT ... but if you bought a journal and some really cool pens and wrote in the journal about how much you love her and think about her and cherish your relationship with her not just now but for all times, write about your unconditional love for her and be compassionate but don't say "I know exactly how you feel" because you really don't know exactly how she feels ... but give her something CONCRETE and TANGIBLE that she can read and re-read when you are not with her. 

[Grandma Shelley]

One thing I know for sure as a grandma is that you don't have to be a perfect mother to end up with really great adult children. Raising a family is a lot of hard work and I admire all those who are in the active trenches of babies, and toddlers to teenagers day in and day out. Just do the best you can and enjoy every minute. One day you will realize how quick those years go.

The rewards of seeing your children become contributing, caring, and responsible adults makes it all worth it. Then they bless you with grandchildren which is the whipped cream and cherry on top of parenting!

Grandma Shelley
www.grandmasmoderndaytrunkoftreasures.blogspot.com

[Happy Momma]

Carrie- That is a great idea!!  I was very close to my step daughter up until a few years ago when she really started to change.  I have tried to stay close to her but she has really pushed us away.  Of course there is so much to the story that it would take forever to explain everything.  But the idea of a scrapbook and journal of our fun memories together is super!

Grandma Shelley- it sure is great to know I don't need to be a perfect mom!  Some days just making it through the day is all I can do.  And I know that my step daughter will come out of this stage (I pray without any major consequences) but it is so hard to remember that when you're in the midst of it!

[Candid Carrie]

I have never admitted this before ... on my blog or over here ... but David has a daughter and she hates my guts.  We were close for a very short time but then when it got serious she went through this whole "you stole my daddy from me" thing.  Even though her parents were divorced for years and her mother had already remarried, when David married me it ruined any chance of her parents getting back together. 

Well, long story short.  The relationship is what it is.  I am open to it evolving into something different down the road, but right now it is what it is and she has a decent relationship with David that is seperate from me.  She will be twenty two in January but she can turn into a twelve year old brat in a split second. 

Whew, that's a load off.  Just don't tell on me

[Happy Momma]

I won't tell on you ;

My husband and his ex were never married- they had my stepdaughter when they were very young- 15 and 17.  When I met my stepdaughter she was 4.  So for I've been around for most of her life.  We were so close when she was younger but she has changed so much over the last few years.  Her mother hasn't really given her any boundaries and pretty much lets her do whatever she wants.  It's not like that at our house- we have rules and she doesn't like that.  Our relationship has really gone down hill.  And I do love her, but since we're telling secrets- sometimes I just don't like her very much anymore.