Heart Broken Grandparents

[Grandma Shelley]

I am a grandma who is very involved in the lives of my grandchildren. I am big on tradition and on building family bonds and great memories between siblings, parents and adult children, cousins, and grandparents and grandchildren.

I have recently started my own blog after years of people telling me that I needed to write a book on the things I do as a mother and grandmother to build quality traditions and strong family bonds.

Wanting to find a way to share my ideas and my blog with other grandparents I went to sites catered to seniors and grandparents. I was very shocked to see how many grandparents are not part of their children or grandchildren lives and how heart broken so many grandparents are. I felt too happy to be there and almost guilty to share the joy that I have from being a grandma.

I'm sure there are situations where it may be unsafe or unhealthy for grandchildren to be associated with their grandparents and that those grandparents don't get to see their grandchildren for good and responsible reasons.

I strongly believe that a grandmother's love and the time she spends with her grandchildren is an invaluable resource to children. If life is just too busy with other activities that there is no time to send grandma some pictures, give her a call, write her a letter, stop by for a visit, invite her to dinner, or allow her time with her grandchildren then the children are missing out on a real treasure of life.

I suppose there are also cases where unresolved issues remain between parents and their grown children and the grandchildren are selfishly suffering the consequences of that. If this is the case, what a wonderful gift you could give your child with your example of forgiveness and the love of a grandparent.

I would love to hear the who, what's, and why's on the relationship or non-relationship your children have with their grandparents. What do you do to keep grandparents in the loop? Have you overcome such issues? Do you have good and responsible reasons for not allowing a grandparent contact?

If you have no issues but it has been a while since letting grandma know that you love her. Give her a call and let her know you're thinking of her and mend one broken heart today.

[Nancy]

Shelley, you are so right.

I was lucky to grow up with my grandmother living with us.  I spent quality time with her and considered her my best friend.  She passed away in 1973, and to this day I miss her.

My own children never really new their real grandparents because of distance and finances.  Fortunately for us we had a wonderful set of neighbors who stepped in as surrogate grandparents, as their own grandchildren were some distance away and they only saw them on rare occasions.  The bond that my own children formed with these two wonderful people is the same as the one I formed with my own grandmother.  They both passed away within 6 months of each other in 1992.  We all miss them.

In our busy lives, and the fact that jobs take our children to different areas of the country, it is important as both a grandparent and child to encourage this relationship.  Grandparents have so much to give the younger generation.  Their knowledge and their undying support lasts a lifetime. 

My father in law was employed in the auto industry as was my husband.  My daughter who rarely saw him was about 12 when she was listening to a conversation between him and my husband about the auto industry and how it started.  He worked with Henry Ford on one of the first assembly lines, he knew him and spoke of him and the early days of the auto industry.  He then went on and spoke of his days during the war and how it changed the auto industry.  He retired from GM around 1978, and suffered a massive stroke soon after.  To this day she remembers that conversation (she is now 35) and says it is one of the influences that made her want to be an auto designer, which she is with GM in the Cadillac Division as a Design Manager.

So for all of you out there who think it isn't important for young children to know or be around family...you are wrong.  Even if you don't like the people, children are pretty good judge of character most of the time.

[michellesamom]

I am a firm believer in the value of multi-generational influences in my child's life (eventually, children...).
Sunday is family day. In the morning we drive 1 hour to visit my parents (her grandparents) for brunch. We usually stay there until her nap and then head home to put her to bed. After Peanut wakes up, we are off to H's mom's place for dinner. In addition to that, H's mom and I will occasionally do coffee or shop with Peanut, whatever she wants to do (it's a bit more awkward to negotiate MIL time). My mom joins Peanut and I for French classes every Friday morning.
We also make sure that Peanut sees her great grandma (my other three grandparents have passed away and H's grandparents are in another country very far away that is inaccessible right now due to security concerns).
I'm actually thinking about volunteering at a nursing home with Peanut next year.

[Happy Momma]

I was also brought up very close to my grandparents.  We spent every Sunday after church at my dad's parents house.  My maternal grandmother lived 6 hours away so we didn't see her as often but she was still a big part of our lives.

My parents are very close to my 2 year old daughter.  We live 3 hours apart but we see each other for weekend visits at least once a month (we go stay there or they come stay here).  My in-laws live in the same town as my parents and I always try to spend time with them as well- but they are usually full of excuses.  I don't know why, and I guess it's just different than how I was brought up, but it just seems like my in-laws don't want to have a big part of my daughters life.  I know I can't push it, if they don't want to that's just how it is.  But the more people who love my daughter, the better as far as I'm concerned.

[Grandma Shelley]

It's looking like it is a two way street at times with some heart broken grandchildren and their parents when grandparents are neglectful in taking an interest in the grandchildren. That is indeed very sad and disappointing.

The traditions and the strength of family ties can be changed with a single generation. The change can be for the good or for the bad with a single generation.  If you want the future to be different for your family then you can create the change yourself.

For those grandparents that don't show much interest....who know's what their issues are but perhaps you could try to keep them in the loop and informed anyway. In my family we have a family blog & website where we can post pictures and posts to share what's going on in our lives.

I have a distant cousin that came up with a cute name for a family newsletter that was all about her children. It included pictures and artwork of the children, written work from the children, and the current news of what's going on in her family. The grandparents received the newsletter every month. A cute notebook could also be given to the grandparents as a gift to store the newsletters in as they arrive. You could keep a copy too as could the kids. If nothing else, it will make the kids feel great about themselves to see their lives being news worthy. Most grandparents would love this and it just might spark something in the others.

[Happy Momma]

That is an excellent idea Grandma Shelley.  I know I do try with my in-laws.  They do read my blog so they know what's going on with Hailey.  I send them special pictures and emails.  I have Hailey make things for them and we send them to them.  So, I am really trying.  It's just hard when it seems like there is no effort on their part.  But, I don't plan to give up!

[Audrey]

I had a wonderful relationship with my own grandmother. Both of my girls talk to my mother on a regular basis. Grandmother relationships are the best!!!

[Aimee]

I had an ok relationship with one side of my grandparents.

I just hope that my kids grandparents come around-and stop playing favorites....

[Grandma Shelley]

HMMM..... What to do about grandparents who play favorites? I don't really know but I can make some suggestions. I know my parents often worried about how busy we were as young parents and didn't want to bother us too much. Could this be happening?  Is the relationship between your husband and his parents the same as it was when he was growing up or has it changed since marriage? Do you get along with your in laws other than the favorites issue?

I would suggest starting some traditions that include the grandparents and you could tell the grandparents that it is important to you for your children to spend quality time with them to create memories and to build close bonds as the reason.  It could be a craft hour with grandma and grandpa, a picnic, playing games, whatever your children enjoy doing.

Refer your not so involved grandparents to my blog for some inspiration for some fun things to do with your grandchildren. I wish you the best.

Grandma Shelley
www.grandmasmoderndaytrunkoftreasures.blogspot.com

[Mom2ConnorRyan]

My son has a set of grandparents that don't want to spend time with him because he is boy.  Sad I think because they and him are missing out on so much.  I try very hard even after 2 years of this.  I am determined to keep trying though because if they would get past him being a boy they will come to see how wonderful he is to be around. 

[Aimee]

HMMM..... What to do about grandparents who play favorites? I don't really know but I can make some suggestions. I know my parents often worried about how busy we were as young parents and didn't want to bother us too much. Could this be happening?  Is the relationship between your husband and his parents the same as it was when he was growing up or has it changed since marriage? Do you get along with your in laws other than the favorites issue?

I would suggest starting some traditions that include the grandparents and you could tell the grandparents that it is important to you for your children to spend quality time with them to create memories and to build close bonds as the reason.  It could be a craft hour with grandma and grandpa, a picnic, playing games, whatever your children enjoy doing.

Refer your not so involved grandparents to my blog for some inspiration for some fun things to do with your grandchildren. I wish you the best.

Grandma Shelley
www.grandmasmoderndaytrunkoftreasures.blogspot.com

Its my husbands father that plays favorites.  My husband and I each had one when we got married, and now have one together.  His dad doens't know my son, or our daughter that we have together.  He doesn't even want to get to know me.  he's only intrested in my husband's ex wife and the daughter that they had together. it hurts my feelings so much, and his sisters support their dad's behavior!!!!

His mom and step dad are really good about making sure they treat the kids equal, and respected me when I told them it wasn't cool for them to communicate with the ex instead of their son.  that really helped our relationship.